[AUTHOR’S NOTE: It turns out that writing a Dracula accent makes text really hard to read, so, while reading the following, please pretend all the w’s are v’s and so forth. Fang you very much.]

Ah ah ah! Welcome to my castle, traveler. Please, make yourself at home, won’t you? We were just about to sit down for dinner—please, join us. We’ve got warm walnut walleye and a wasabi, watermelon, and watercress salad. Wonderful! We’re so happy to have you. For dinner. But first, perhaps you’d like to admire some art? I had some wonderful portraits done recently by definitely-not-vampire artists Tomas Duchek, Nicholas Gregory, and Nils Hamm. I ordered them on the world wide web, and now so can you!